This feels like the impossible.

Have you ever felt so weak because of one person? I have before, and it’s happening again now.

My ex and I started talking again a few weeks ago and just like that, I was taken back to 2013. I’m back to doing whatever she wants me to do, being there for her when she’s only there for me when she wants to be.

I’ve talked to my best friend about it, to my sister’s best friend and the guy that I have been seeing casually. And everything they told me, I already knew. But for some reason, when I see her, or even just think of her, I’m beaten by this very strong feeling I have for her. I don’t even know anymore if I still love her or if our relationship has just become this very addictive and horrible habit.

When we were together, I know I loved her, I always wanted to be around her, always wanted to do things to make her happy. Her happiness was my happiness. And now, even though we didn’t speak for almost three years, it’s all back.

I know we’ll never get back together, that’s not really what upsets me. To be honest I don’t know what exactly is it that upsets me about this whole thing. Maybe it’s the control she has over me? And the fact that it’s happening because I can’t help but give in to anything and everything she wants.

The most triggering part is that she knows this.

She admitted it, she told me that she knows I would do anything for her. And now I don’t know, if the things we do is out of genuine friendship or necessity to keep me hanging around in case she needs me.

On the third day that we saw each other since we started talking again, we went to a bar with a few friends. At the end of the night, we kissed. There was this strong comfort and familiarity. Like everything just fits perfectly. Or maybe I was just imagining all of it. But when we went our separate ways, I messaged her to tell her that I’m home and our conversation led to the reasons we broke up. For her, it all fell apart when I kissed someone else on the first two months that we were together. She said that I ruined all of it when I did that and maybe I did. At that time all I remember was the fear of having feelings for another girl. And most of all, the fear that I was just this exciting new thing for her and nothing more. I did what I did to have some sort of control, because I just had none when it came to how much I loved her. And in doing that, I ruined everything in her eyes.

After that night, the next two years of our relationship was me trying to make up for that night. If she told me not to talk to certain people, I felt like I no longer had the right to fight for my freedom for it and just stopped, I saw my friends less because she didn’t like it when I went out without her. I know how these all sounds but I was so in love with her and I did not want to lose her at all. And nothing I did worked, because she told me the night after the bar that it was the reason we broke up. And I guess in that two years that I tried to make up for it, it got stayed with me to do my best to make her happy. Even now.

I want it to stop. And what’s annoying about this is before, whenever I learn that other people are in this position I would think that if they really wanted it to stop they can stop it, but now I know, it’s not that easy.

What I want is for her to stay in my life like a proper friend, just like how we were before we started our relationship two years ago. But this feels like the impossible.

Everyone has told me that the only way to stop it is to cut her off my life completely. And I cannot really argue with this, seeing as after not talking to her for almost three years I came back right where I was when we were together. A slave to whatever she wanted. I don’t know why or how. But for some reason, if she wanted me to listen to her problems, even if they’re about other people she’s dated I want to hear it so I can make her feel better, if she just wanted someone to go have pizza with in the middle of the night, I’m still there even if I’m really tired and have work the next day. I don’t know why but I can’t help but give up everything for her.

Even though we started talking at the time when I thought I was finally okay, surprisingly or maybe not at all surprisingly, she showed me that I still wasn’t okay.

 

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